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mundane no longer has a place

Exposed, and This is Who I Am- Part One

by Caroline on category , ,

It’s been four years since I began the process of decluttering, minimizing, and determining what is essential in my life. As I have experienced this process, I have evolved and grown in ways that I never expected. With repetition, letting go becomes less painful, and the lightness I feel afterward is freeing. The more I recognize I am in control, the more I allow myself to let go, and I am empowered—release, potentiating a cycle of change. I now recognize that the feelings of freedom that have surfaced have become a craving, essential to my wellbeing. I’ve tasted it, and there’s no turning back.

Four years is a long time, and finally, I have recognized the reason why paring down has taken me so long. I have neglected to address everything fully. In my adaptation of minimalism, I tried to justify overlooking the hard stuff. I thought I could do this halfway. Time and again thinking, this is enough paring down, this stuff I don’t want to address right now isn’t hurting anything. But then I realize, it still produces heaviness.

It’s time that I acknowledge; I have a basement closet full of items that I’ve attached sentiment to, and kept “just in case”. No longer can I pretend that they’re not stealing my peace and taking me away from what really matters. We’ve chiseled away so much, and I realize if I don’t do this all the way, we will be missing out.

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Rest

by Caroline on category , , , 
“And these are they which are sown among the thorns; such as hear the word, and the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful.” Mark 4:18,19 KJV


June 30, 2020

I've been feeling choked lately. I've lost my balance, life swirling merciless around me. Although I know better, this lack of intentionality is still my default. And, the father of darkness knows that for me, this is all it takes. A couple of days of overwhelm, stack nicely on top of sleep deprivation, and the cycle of loss of control builds. Focus lost and meaningless stuff and tasks are given undue importance, all because I took my eyes off of my Rock, my Anchor. I began to be tossed and feel choked. I know I'm not living my best life; and this realization, potentiates the cycle of frustration. I begin losing precious moments to worry, anxiety welling up, and as the furry builds, so do mishaps, and Satan chuckles, and I scream, "Get out of here Satan! You're done here!" and I try to call him out of his scheme, but I quickly slip right back, and as feelings of utter overwhelm strangle me, I hear Jesus say, "Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." And I choose rest—a reset. I will walk away from the created chaos, and I will sink into His embrace and sleep. Knowing that tomorrow, what is truly important will remain, but for a time, I claim peace and rest.


July 7, 2020

The sound of the dogs barking stirs me from a restful sleep. Begrudgingly I get up to check on them. Shuffling back to bed, I anticipated no less than my return to slumber. But, as my head hits the pillow I suddenly feel utter darkness. Never before have I felt darkness; the weight of it consumes me and I am pushed back into my bed. Engulfed, I attempt to break free, but the pressure, the weight around my neck, is choking me and I realize I can’t breathe. In my mind I know,  I just have to say Jesus' name to break free. And I push, and I fight, and I struggle, and with what feels like one last gasp I whisper Jesus and immediately I am released. The engulfing darkness gone. I sit up, catching my breath and I feel utter peace. A deep, tranquil peace. I have no remaining fear. I had never felt darkness and light like this- the immediate contrast from one extreme to the other could not be mistaken.

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Nameless

by Caroline on category , 
In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul. Psalm 94:19 KJV

It was a crisp morning, the kind that draws you outside, if wrapped in a soft blanket accompanied by a warm cup of coffee. As I settled in and began reading, the heading caught my attention, “A Rich Man’s Questions.” I had always just read on without pausing to deliberate like I did that day.

Luke 18:18 begins with “A certain leader,” asking Jesus, “What must I do to have life forever?” and Jesus responds, “You know the commands,” fully aware that this man knew Jewish law by heart. The nameless ruler responds, contemplating how he’d pursued the religion since he was a boy. Pride swells in his heart, life forever, most certainly assured. “There is still one more thing I need you to do,” the sound of Jesus voice breaks into his reflection. “Sell everything you have and give it to the poor. . . then come follow me.” And the man remains nameless. Too attached to what he holds tightly in clenched fists.

How different his story could have been. But he chose to hold on and remain nameless. I don’t know if this is a literal calling for each of us, but I do know Jesus is speaking about priorities. He wants to be our everything. It’s so much easier to latch on to a doctrine, a set of religious beliefs, in an attempt to find eternal life. It’s so much easier to find security in jobs, money, family, and things, staying just busy enough, to avoid asking the hard questions. It’s so much easier to pass blame and judgment in an attempt to avoid self-examination. But Jesus tells us this is not where we find our authentic life.

In this world of “making a name for yourself,” Jesus waits in anticipation to give us a name, an identity. When we find our identity in Him, we begin to see ourselves differently; no longer focusing on our weaknesses, failures, and flaws. When we find our identity in Him, we begin to see others differently; no longer focusing on status, or color, or sexual orientation, or political party, or religion. We recognize a Child of God. When we stop focusing on our differences and let go of preconceived notions and ideas, we find freedom. When we are willing to let go of anything that gets in the way of spending time with Him, we find our purpose and peace. When He calls me, “Child of God,”. . . “the things of earth grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace. . .”

Another reminder that it is in letting go we find life, life forever. This realization leaves me to question, are the things of earth worth remaining nameless? 

Subtle Victories

by Caroline on category , ,

Much of what is sacred is hidden in the ordinary, everyday moments of our lives. To see something of the sacred in those moments takes slowing down so we can live our lives more reflectively.

Ken Gire
July 4 2019

It feels like one of those days. . . I woke up grumpy, human. A series of petty events rolling into a morning, knowing this is not how I want to spend my day with those that I love. I’m on the porch, a second cup of coffee, Bible open, looking for my reset. Wouldn’t the Father of all that is Evil, love to see me waste this day? Wrapped up in discontent, focused on imperfection. His victories are subtle, when we throw away our greatest gift; time- breath- fleeting moments. Today he will not be victorious.

God speaks to us in the whisper of our hearts, in the stillness. We can see His majesty as lightning crackles and dances across the night sky. And we feel Him in the warmth of sunbeams caressing our skin as they stream down from heaven. But, it’s in the silence we experience Him, learn the tones of His voice. Satan, always ready to pounce on an opportunity, has made it his objective to steal our silence. If he can keep us from being still, he has a victory. If our to-do list, full of well-intended activities and obligations, keeps us just busy enough, we won’t even realize what we are missing. It’s all connected. Too much to do, too little time- and the devil thinks, perfect.

 Up early, without sufficient sleep, grumpy, fumbling for survival in a warm cup, mind foggy, drudging through obligations, it’s here that satan wins. By noon, we’re so wrapped up in ourselves and our problems, we haven’t even had a thought reach toward heaven. The midday bleeds into an overwhelming evening and exhausted and hopeless, we fall into bed, and Satan wins. It’s such a simple scheme, he thinks, they won’t even notice- and another day blurs into the next of meaningless existence

It doesn’t matter how well-intended or sacrificial the activities are that hold us captive. Satan doesn’t care whether we become a slave to consumerism trapped by debt or a slave to expectations and demands that we have allowed others to place upon us. A slave to sickness and disease; bodies overworked and abused or materialism, slaves to stuff. Church leadership, self-sacrifice for others- Satan doesn’t care, as long as it keeps us from hearing the still small voice. Our overcrowded schedules and complacent lives have so easily made us a slave to all, but Christ. The longing that begins as a whisper in our hearts, a flicker of hope so effortlessly snuffed out- as longs as we miss it, too consumed. He wins. 

The exciting part is that we can take control, we have a choice! We can stop turning our time and lives mindlessly over to the one who wants to keep us from seeing Jesus. In sharing my journal entry I wanted to demonstrate how easy it can be to let Satan control the circumstances of a day. We have to commit to living positively daily; otherwise, by default, he will win.

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Retrospect- Conclusion

by Caroline on category , , , , ,

. . . by a conscious act of your will. . . . you will learn to rest in God both in your inner life and your outer life. . . .Your heart will start listening to a different pulse deep within you, and with joy you’ll begin to match your steps to that lovely, restful beat.

Anne Ortlund

I don’t want to forget that day when he was packing for his bi-yearly adventure; five guys, a week in the boundary waters surrounded by wilderness and solitude. I smiled, sensing his anticipation build as he organized necessities. What if we did life a little more this way? This thought amplified when the following day my mom mentioned an interview she’d seen on a morning show.  A systematic method for decluttering featuring a new book titled, “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up”. 

There is nothing “magical” about tidying up, but as I began employing the methods I was learning, I gained momentum. I was shocked and embarrassed to see how out of control my consumerism had become. My mind reeled as one by one, I picked up items, realizing most of them I didn’t even like. I felt something deep within me begin to awaken. With intentionality, I began looking at everything I owned differently. My frequent “Target runs” now seemed counterproductive. I began searching, wondering if there was more to this concept I was beginning to formulate in my mind. As I searched, my eyes locked on the screen as I read words from Joshua Becker, stating, “Minimalism is the intentional promotion of the things we most value and the removal of everything that distracts us from it.” Searching more, I discovered The Minimalists, their documentary, and podcast. I was drawn to this lifestyle; it all made so much sense.

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Retrospect- Part Three

by Caroline on category , , 
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track." 
Proverbs 3:5,6 Message

Quiet time took on a new intensity as I interrogated the Creator, “God was that You?” Events began falling into place as we began a year of research into the world of adoption. A new prayer emerged from my heart, “Lord if this is Your will, lead us to our child, Your child.” Words from Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you…” played through my mind. I was learning to trust.

I don’t want to forget the emotional anticipation of expecting a child, linked to never-ending paperwork and fees and appointments. A new whirlwind of life began adding another layer of overwhelm to my already overfilled life. No longer did I daily set aside time for reflection, so driving to the hospital became my only respite. During these times, I thought about the irony of working so hard to complete our family while the increased stress was pushing us apart. Instead of a child, emptiness was again growing inside of me. What would it be like to just walk away? The thought tore through me. I rationalized, he seems miserable, I am short-tempered and exhausted, and she is probably young enough not to remember. What if I left? My heart pounded as I let this thought sit with me as I drove to work, numb. I was alarmed at how easily the speculation had surfaced. I knew it wasn’t what I wanted, but there had to be more to life than this mere existence. 

I don’t want to forget the moment I heard the ominous train sound and realized he wasn’t by my side. In that split second, I couldn’t imagine life without him, without us. As wide-eyed teenagers we had taken a chance at love, marrying almost a decade later. Now, after 12 years of a ritualistic marriage, I was ready to commit my heart. A new resolve took root, and I vowed to find us. No longer was I willing to accept this existence, dictated by to-do-lists. The tornado had left our roof in our yard, and the unforgiving rain had rendered our home unlivable, but in the displacement, I began to find a new appreciation for the little things. It was during the disruption that we received an email that would redirect our focus.

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Retrospect- Part Two

by Caroline on category , ,

Late have I loved You, O beauty so ancient and so new. Late have I loved You! You were within me while I have gone outside to seek You. Unlovely myself, I rushed towards all those lovely things You had made. And always You were with me.

Augustine

I don’t want to forget graduate school. How it came and went and with it consumerism latching its gold clasp around our ankles. We were the perfect example of Joshua Millburn’s phrase, “I made good money… but the problem was I spent even better money.” Healthy paychecks, minimum payments made, leftover funds going to vacations and shopping sprees. Student loan debt, pushed aside. For three years, life was carefree, and then, our world shattered.

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Retrospect- Part One

by Caroline on category

Over the margins of life comes a whisper, a faint call, a premonition of richer living which we know we are passing by . . . hints that there is a way of life vastly richer and deeper than all this hurried existence, a life of unhurried serenity and peace and power.

Thomas R. Kelly

Each day that I awake to the possibility of being more than just another human caught up in the blur of a life passing by is another day to feel alive. This new aliveness I can’t explain, yet I can’t ignore it. I am finding beauty in the mundane, mundane no longer making itself at home where it is not welcome. There is a newness to this concept as it is becoming real. Letting words flow, I search to externalize what I feel inside. Waking in the morning, when the dawn is still out of reach and thanks pass through my mind. A small uttering, this gratitude for awakening, will gain momentum as the day builds. But this momentum will only grow out of intention. The natural inclination is to forget, and it’s in forgetting that the blur sneaks back in and life becomes that once familiar fog of moments lost.

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Treasure Life.

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