Lyme Disease

For The Thick Darkness

by Caroline on Apr 21, 2023 category Faith, joy, Living Fully, Lyme Disease, Minimalism, Purpose

“…and Moses drew unto the thick darkness, where God was.” Ex 20:21

The Place of Healing

Five years ago, in the valley of Lyme, Babesia, and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, my dad offered to anoint me (James 5:14,15). I didn’t accept. I wasn’t there; my heart wasn’t ready for this depth of faith. Instead, I took the long way to healing. God knew this was the path I desperately needed. The place where I would learn His heart and allow Him to heal mine.

It wasn’t on the proverbial mountaintop where I learned who God really is; it was in the painful valley. It took a broken-down body to realize how self-sufficient I’d tried to be, doing life by my strength. Superficially I had it all together. I had a house full of things and a career to support our lifestyle. I had a schedule overflowing with commitments, good things, family, work, and church. Unaware, I was using my things and calendar to build a wall around my heart, safer than feeling too deeply. Staying busy was my shelter.

Shifting Perception

The fire of life… It hurts; it’s hard. This life, where the enemy is the prince (John 14:30). This world is not as God created, hijacked by one bent on our temporal pain and eternal destruction (1 Peter 5:8). The enemy knows he wins when he can get us looking only from our fleshly perspective.

Here anxious thoughts race, the heart aches, knuckles white. The fire. It’s hot; it burns. Barely surviving and alone; this is where Satan wants us to remain. Hopeless, overwhelmed, imprisoned. But we don’t walk alone. God is there. He is here, waiting for us to get a glimpse of Him. A glimpse of eternity, a perspective so much bigger than our current circumstances. This fire, He is walking in it with us. Every second we refuse to let the enemy steal our peace is a moment of surrender to the One who holds our eternity.

Discovering Surrender

Sometimes it takes walking in the fire to learn surrender. Acknowledging our insufficiency leads to openness, Ephphatha. It’s here where God teaches us to abide. Seeing and experiencing Him is life and peace (Romans 8:5-17), even in the fire.

When I don’t know what to do and the enemy is pressing in, my imagination running wild, worst case scenarios, always the worst case scenario, why do I do that…I have learned to stop. Stop. Acknowledge my feelings of uncertainty, and surrender. Surrender. Every moment relinquished is another won in the strength of Jesus Christ. We are on the enemy’s battleground. We can’t fight him on his territory. In the flesh, he will always win; therefore, we must take our fight higher, into the spiritual, where God Almighty has already defeated him. The only way we win is to keep looking to Jesus and His cross. Satan knows this truth and will do anything to distract us just enough to keep us from realizing this reality.

Learning to Believe

The next time you feel the darkness closing in, claim the words of Jesus. “Let not your heart be troubled, believe. You believe in God, believe also in Me.” (John 14:1). Here, Jesus speaks to His disciples, drawing on what they already had, a belief in God. He met them where they were. He urged them to use their existing faith in God to believe that Jesus was who He said He was, God with us. I encourage you to dare believe God is in the fire with you. Believe that Jesus has already defeated the enemy who has caused the heartache you are experiencing.

We were not created to do this alone, and we were not designed to carry these weights, hearts burdened, heavy. Let the One who made you walk with you in the fire (Matthew 11:28-30). It is possible, through Jesus Christ, to live in this sinful world and live to the fullest. Joy overflowing. (John 15:11) Our bodies might break, and our hearts will ache, but even here, we can rest in the fullness of who He is.

Anticipating Miracles

As I learn to surrender control, I’ve learned to anticipate miracles; sometimes, the miracles are in the things in between. When you anticipate the miracles, you will find them. When you look for God in the fire, you will glimpse who He is and who He can be for you.

“I’ve got a story, too good to hide… I’m a living breathing miracle, and I’ve just gotta testify….” These lyrics played in my heart as I woke up the other morning. A good song stuck in my head, and I decided to listen. As I hit play under my chosen song, “Another in the Fire” played instead. All these tangled-up lyrics got me thinking about my experiences and the experiences of those with whom I’m walking through life.

I can’t help but share the story He has given me. Through my discoveries, I want to walk with you to a place where you can walk more closely with Him. Learning to take words from an ancient Holy Book and see them in a new light has changed my reality. Regardless of where you are today, I want to encourage you that it is possible to abide with Christ, through the power of the Holy Spirit, especially in the fire. It all begins with surrender. Just let Him walk with you, even there. (Ps 139:10)

Treasure hunting

Today, walk in His promise that when we ask, we will receive, and when we seek, we will find (Matthew 7:7). As I did, you might receive something you don’t even know you need. Spend time treasure hunting with God in His Word; it will change everything!

Ps 91

John 14-17

Matthew 6

Matthew 11

The Belly of Hell

by Caroline on Mar 3, 2022 category Contintment, Faith, Gratitude, Intentionality, Lyme Disease, Minimalism

Recently, as I sat watching someone I love languish in pain, helplessness attempted to creep in. When I arrived home from the hospital for a quick respite, I read Jonah, and the concept of the “belly of hell” became real to me. It refocused me to the place of thanksgiving. I felt helpless, and it’s right there, where we have nothing left; God asks us to lift our hands in a hallelujah. And as gratitude floods the soul, our perception changes; a shift that can only happen in this place.

The belly of hell. Whether physical, circumstantial, relational, or psychological, this place of desperation is never when or where we expect.

“Out of the belly of hell cried I, And thou heardest my voice.” Jonah 2:2 KJV

I was searching for more, something different than the race I’d been living, but I didn’t know what it was. The discontent led me to minimalism, intentionality, and self-awareness. I was making positive changes, but my focus was misplaced. Unaware, I had replaced the noise of consumerism and chasing stuff with the clutter of “being” and “doing” through my own strength and intentionality. I had created empty spaces that were beginning to reveal a more profound emptiness. As I began to use some of my newly discovered free time in stillness, God listened to my cry when I didn’t even know I was crying out (Jonah 2:2). He answered me in the physical interruption of my life. As I battled Lyme Disease, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, and Babesia, I began to hear God’s whisper.

I can still smell the crisp spring air as I recall mustering up the energy to wander the trail to clear my mind. As I forced movement of my broken-down body, the song “Space to Speak” permeated into my soul. In my quest for control, I didn’t yet realize that I was fleeing from God’s presence (Jonah 1:3), but there, in my brokenness, I was learning to make space for Him.

Cultivating a New Perspective

I discovered this thanksgiving concept several years prior as I read “One Thousand Gifts.” I was a master of negativity, even the little things I found to complain about with one barrage of “ugh” after another. This book opened my eyes to how I was looking at life, and I became more intentional in acknowledging blessings and embracing what was before me. Learning to give thanks was a start, but still, I was vomiting tiny particles of negativity over beautiful everyday moments.

Regardless, I began to enact the discipline of giving thanks. I didn’t have illustrations yet like the “belly of hell,” but I learned one choice at a time to give thanksgiving. And the more I practiced, the more I realized that gratitude and negativity can not exist in the same breath. We are given opportunities repeatedly to cultivate this, and practicing is essential to giving thanks when it hurts. I learned that sometimes we give praise because it is an overflowing of the thanks we feel in our hearts, and sometimes we give thanks despite the circumstances because this is what we have learned to do. Either way, there is a peace that comes with giving thanks in all things.

As I recently unpacked the story of Jonah, I discovered the realness of Jonah’s experience. Amid his daily routines and plans, Jonah heard God’s call to “Go” (Jonah 1:1,2), and instead, he ran, attempting to flee from God’s Presence. Fleeing from the presence of God. How many times do we try to do this in a day? Do we flee from His presence with the perpetual motion we insist on keeping? Do we flee from His presence when we lack intentionality? When we finally stop moving at the end of the day and turn on a show, stare at a screen, or grab a drink, numbing our minds? Do we flee when we pick up our phones instead of interacting with the human next to us?

Back to Jonah…

As the storm pressed, waves crashed, and the safety that Jonah had chosen for himself began to dismember; he was forced to acknowledge that God meant what He said when He said, “Go.” Jonah’s attempt at escaping the presence of God was only going to lead to death. “Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.” Jonah 2:8 NIV. When he realized the imminent destruction of all those around him, he demanded they throw him into the raging sea. He chose to die instead of fleeing anymore from his Creator.

There in the “belly of hell,” Jonah acknowledged his position and the position of God. When he cried out in his lowest moment, God heard him. In stillness, God saved him, allowing him three days and three nights to contemplate his situation. And amid this janked up circumstance, Jonah chose to praise Jehovah. “…but I will sacrifice unto Thee with the voice of thanksgiving.” Jonah 2:9 KJV

Go

God longs for our stillness and the sacrifice of the voice of thanksgiving. In every circumstance. Like Jonah, once I got to this point of acknowledging my nothingness and need, I had nothing left but a hallelujah. And this beautiful moment of praise changed my heart. Giving thanks changes us, and getting into God’s presence transforms us. Letting go of our worthless idols opens us up to God’s grace and mercy. Every moment matters. If the soul tells you something is off, listen. Be willing to embrace your belly of hell, whatever it might look like, because it might be the very thing that brings you into the life-saving presence of the Life-Giver.

“All my words fall short, I’ve got nothing new, how could I express all my gratitude…So I throw up my hands and praise You again and again ’cause all that I have is a halleleujah…” 🎶Brandon Lake- Gratitude

Retrospect- Conclusion

by Caroline on May 19, 2020 category BWCA, Consumerism, Intentionality, Lyme Disease, Minimalism, Simplicity

. . . by a conscious act of your will. . . . you will learn to rest in God both in your inner life and your outer life. . . .Your heart will start listening to a different pulse deep within you, and with joy you’ll begin to match your steps to that lovely, restful beat.
Anne Ortlund

I don’t want to forget that day when he was packing for his bi-yearly adventure; five guys, a week in the boundary waters surrounded by wilderness and solitude. I smiled, sensing his anticipation build as he organized necessities. What if we did life a little more this way? This thought amplified when the following day my mom mentioned an interview she’d seen on a morning show. A systematic method for decluttering featuring a new book titled, “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up”.

There is nothing “magical” about tidying up, but as I began employing the methods I was learning, I gained momentum. I was shocked and embarrassed to see how out of control my consumerism had become. My mind reeled as one by one, I picked up items, realizing most of them I didn’t even like. I felt something deep within me begin to awaken. With intentionality, I began looking at everything I owned differently. My frequent “Target runs” now seemed counterproductive. I began searching, wondering if there was more to this concept I was beginning to formulate in my mind. As I searched, my eyes locked on the screen as I read words from Joshua Becker, stating, “Minimalism is the intentional promotion of the things we most value and the removal of everything that distracts us from it.” Searching more, I discovered The Minimalists, their documentary, and podcast. I was drawn to this lifestyle; it all made so much sense.

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