“And these are they which are sown among the thorns; such as hear the word, and the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful.” Mark 4:18,19 KJV
June 30, 2020 I've been feeling choked lately. I've lost my balance, life swirling merciless around me. Although I know better, this lack of intentionality is still my default. And, the father of darkness knows that for me, this is all it takes. A couple of days of overwhelm, stack nicely on top of sleep deprivation, and the cycle of loss of control builds. Focus lost and meaningless stuff and tasks are given undue importance, all because I took my eyes off of my Rock, my Anchor. I began to be tossed and feel choked. I know I'm not living my best life; and this realization, potentiates the cycle of frustration. I begin losing precious moments to worry, anxiety welling up, and as the furry builds, so do mishaps, and Satan chuckles, and I scream, "Get out of here Satan! You're done here!" and I try to call him out of his scheme, but I quickly slip right back, and as feelings of utter overwhelm strangle me, I hear Jesus say, "Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." And I choose rest—a reset. I will walk away from the created chaos, and I will sink into His embrace and sleep. Knowing that tomorrow, what is truly important will remain, but for a time, I claim peace and rest.
July 7, 2020 The sound of the dogs barking stirs me from a restful sleep. Begrudgingly I get up to check on them. Shuffling back to bed, I anticipated no less than my return to slumber. But, as my head hits the pillow I suddenly feel utter darkness. Never before have I felt darkness; the weight of it consumes me and I am pushed back into my bed. Engulfed, I attempt to break free, but the pressure, the weight around my neck, is choking me and I realize I can’t breathe. In my mind I know, I just have to say Jesus' name to break free. And I push, and I fight, and I struggle, and with what feels like one last gasp I whisper Jesus and immediately I am released. The engulfing darkness gone. I sit up, catching my breath and I feel utter peace. A deep, tranquil peace. I have no remaining fear. I had never felt darkness and light like this- the immediate contrast from one extreme to the other could not be mistaken.
I realize this might sound crazy and far fetched. But, when I told God I would publically share my testimony and my life as it unfolds with Him, I agreed without condition. I committed to disclosing even the messy, the unexplainable, and sometimes unpopular.
There is a real struggle between light and darkness happening all around us. And so often, I try and struggle on my own first, before calling out to Jesus. But it’s in Him we will find the strength to refuse to get sucked into negativity and be pulled down. He can keep us from that dangerous place where we feel worn down and exhausted; where we lose our focus, get caught up in unrest, and our priorities fall out of line. But, we have to be intentional and take control of our moments. This is a constant battle that I daily, and a million times in between, must declare over my life.
Jesus, renew my focus. Hold me and let me rest in You, where I will see everything in a new light. Trusting You with my moments, I will stop trying to figure everything out. I will stop creating imaginary deadlines, like looking at my calendar as if the next three months of events all have to happen in one day. Please keep me grounded and focused. Give me the courage to slow down, to rest, and to take care of myself, so I can best take care of those You’ve entrusted to me. Thank you for the reminder that no matter how hopeless or exhausted we feel, You are always there waiting to share our load and to give us rest. We don’t have to do this alone. Lord, I don’t want to spend my energy in vain.
"If the Lord doesn't build the house, the builders are working for nothing. If the Lord doesn't guard the city, the guards are watching for nothing. It is no use for you to get up early and stay up late, working for a living. The Lord gives sleep to those He loves." Psalm 127: 1,2 NCV